Crazy Dreams

Whenever I can remember my dreams, they’re so crazy.  Last night I dreamt I was walking at night, in the winter, and the roads were totally iced over.  I had to cross the street, but cars were sliding out of control.  I checked traffic and thought I could make it, but I almost immediately started having trouble getting any traction.  I fell in the middle of the intersection, and prayed to God to save me.  I looked up to my left, and a car was bearing down on me, and I thought, this is it, I’m going to die.  But the car stopped sliding just before it hit me.  Then a cop was there helping me up, telling me how lucky I was.  I finished crossing the street, and went to my old white Honda, nose down in a deep culvert.

The Last Beautiful Gift

I had my dog, Dolly, for 13 years, from the time she was 12 weeks old.  I got her from a shelter, and they told me she was a Rottweiler/German Shepherd mix.  They’ll tell you anything to get you to take the dog.  She was a twin; she had a twin brother.  I wanted a male dog, but someone had already bought the male, so I took her.  I was newly divorced, my son was ten years old.  I wanted a big dog to protect us, so we could leave the windows open in the summertime.  I owned my home (me and the mortgage company), and it had a big fenced yard.

Dolly was the sweetest dog ever.  She had long, jet black hair.  It was curly, and she had a skirt on her flanks and her tail feathered out.  She had gorgeous brown eyes, and floppy ears.  She really looked like a Flat-Coated Retriever.  All her life, I thought she was a black lab mix.  I had her at the vet’s last week, and someone asked me what kind of dog she was.  I said probably black lab mix, then someone else said she looked like a Flat-Coated Retriever.  I’d never heard of that breed, but I googled an image just now, and son of a gun, I thought to myself, that’s Dolly!

She had a terrific sense of humor.  When I got her, I already had a beagle mix, R.C.–that was my ex-husband’s revenge.  I loved the beagle too, but that was not the breed for me.  R.C. was so high-strung, and obsessive.  And beagles don’t bark, they bay, and it is earsplittingly loud.  So you add it all up, and I had a situation where the neighbors hated him, and me for having him, and I was defensive about the dog at the same time he gave me a headache.  One  afternoon, R.C. was doing his usual thing of staring out through the chain link at the dogs across the street, and baying like hell at them.  He was really wound up into it, too, hopping up and down on his front legs, ears flopping up and down, nose pointing up, baying louder than the sound of a jet engine.  Dolly slowly crept up behind him, one paw at a time, until her muzzle was just above R.C.’s head, then she BARKED!  R.C. jumped up off all four feet, spun around, and started barking at Dolly.  He was so pissed off, and Dolly just ran off laughing at him, dog-style, mouth open, eyes twinkling.

She was there for me, every day of her life.  She loved me when I was right, and when I was wrong.  She loved me when I was strong and when I was weak.  She never judged me.  She never lied to me.  She never took advantage of me, or manipulated me.  She never talked about me behind my back to our other friends.  I was the most important thing in her life, and she always put me first.  She always wanted the best for me, and for me to be safe.  When I cried, she nuzzled my cheek, and when I danced, she danced with me.  She was always patient with me, and did everything she could to make me happy, every day of her life.

Over the last few months, her hips got weaker and weaker, until the last few weeks, when she couldn’t stand up most of the time when she tried.  I had to help her, wrapping my arms around her back end and lifting her up.  There were a few times when my poor baby had to lay in urine at night until I got up in the morning and cleaned her up, and there were times when I’d hear her scrambling to get up and I’d help her, to find poop embedded into her beautiful, beautiful fur.  She was wobbly on her feet.  Her eyes were totally white because of cataracts, and I don’t think she could see much.  I know she was in some pain.  For months as her health declined, I took her to the vet and got medication to help with inflammation and pain.  And I’d whisper in her ear, ‘Stay with me, just a little longer.’  My poor, poor baby, she stayed, and loved me.

So today I finally let her go.  I took her to the vet, and she slipped away, so easily.  She was so tired.  My heart is breaking.   My heart is breaking.

Even in death, my poor, sweet girl gave me one final, beautiful gift.  As I was sitting in the vet’s waiting room with her, I couldn’t help crying.  I tried to keep it down, but of course people noticed.  And they all, everyone, total strangers in the vet’s waiting room, every one of them expressed their condolences to me.  They pet Dolly, and they hugged me.  They spoke comforting words to me.  They shared with me their stories of their sorrow when their dogs passed on.  One sweet lady told me that her dog had gotten very old, and was very sick, and she knew when she had to let him go.  And when they gave him the injection, he perked up for a few seconds, and looked upward.  And she knew he was seeing heaven.  I am so very grateful that these people found it in their hearts to reach out to me with love and warmth.  I am so deeply moved, and grateful.  And grateful to my baby, too, for it was her sacrifice that created the opportunity for these good folks to bless me with their kindness and love.

And I know that right now, my sweet Dolly is running free through the sunny fields of Paradise, enjoying a soft, cool breeze, chasing rabbits and squirrels, her beloved canine brother R.C. by her side, and reunited at last with her twin.  And I pray to God that when my time comes, my beloved friend will greet me at heaven’s gate.

I love you, Dolly.


Nursing School is Like……

… swallowing hot coals and shitting fire, but aside from that, it’s like going downhill sliding on ice, hurtling out of control at breakneck speed, surviving one lethal obstacle after another, feeling sorry for the fallen classmates that you pass,  fearing classmates who aren’t struggling as hard as you are.

I Had A Better Day Today

Clinical at the nursing home today.  Today I learned that my instructor doesn’t know a bunion from arthritis, doesn’t know shit about blood pressure, can’t recognize fall precautions when she sees them, and doesn’t know when she’s being conned.  It’s not even me conning her, it’s one of my classmates.

In class yesterday, the classroom instructor pitched a rant about how sloppy paperwork and print-outs off the web will not be tolerated!  You’ll be asked to leave clinical if it happens again!  as if anyone had ever said that wasn’t okay.  I was all excited about how much I learned about my patient’s condition, I had all this info…..oh, well…..fuck me.  I’m no longer excited, buh-leeve me, like a great American once said.

Chastised on Facebook; Down With Youth!

I do not friggin’ believe this:  I had a rough nail in class today, so I used my nail clippers to clip it off.  And oh, my, f’in’ God, some b*tch called me out on Facebook for it!!!!

It’s true!  Can you believe it?!  Called me out on the medium of those cell phone toting, no job having, drama queens who were featuring skid marks in their underwear up until a few years ago, Facebook.  And there were others who ‘liked’ her snarky post!

Well, I’ll have the last laugh, bitches, because while you were moaning about being put on academic probation, that’s p to the r, to the o, to the bation, I was patting myself on the back for ACING yet another exam!

My Best Friend

My dog is 13 or 14 years old, I’ve forgotten exactly when we got her.  Someday soon I’ll write a post describing what a wonderful friend and loyal companion she has been, for every day of her life.  Right now I’m just writing to say that she’s incontinent of bowel and bladder, she’s blind, she has trouble getting up a lot of the time, her paws are twisted with arthritis and she sleeps a lot more than she used to.  She doesn’t eat as well, and it seems like she’s thirsty all the time, day and night.

My throat is tight because I know in the next few weeks I’ll have to say good-bye to my very best friend, who has loved me without end, forgiven me eternally, and who took joy in my mere presence.

I’m so sad, but I can’t cry or even sniffle, because she’s sleeping right here beside me, and she knows when I’m crying.

What Happened to the Fun In Nursing Fundamentals?

This is no fun.  I hate my clinical group.  Hate them.  Two of them are loudmouths with control issues with good ideas.  Another is a loudmouth with control issues and crappy ideas.  Another is not a loudmouth who wants to know how I feel and why I feel that way, but she doesn’t want to listen to my answer.  Another one is not a loudmouth, she doesn’t ask me how I feel, and she’s having an emotional melt down.  The last one……oh, yeah, loudmouth who hates working in groups.

I hate the clinical site.  Stinking, dirty, shabby, understaffed long term care facility.  Today was our first day.  Today the Clinical Instructor ate my ass out for standing around.  I knew it, I knew I was going to wind up being an unpaid slave nurse assistant, working for free.

I want to run screaming away from this whole bullshit deal.

I Am Such a Huge Failure

I had a simulation lab today at 9:15 am.  At 8:45 am, I threw the covers back and remembered that.  The thought, Oh, Jesus, what have I done?!  exploded in my head, and bounced off the inside of my skull.

By the grace of God, I made it to school in time.  I give Him the glory, seriously.  But I suspect that my lab partners are plotting to dump me.  I don’t really blame them.

How can I be such a screw up?  I think it’s because I’m so focused on Tuesday’s test.  It’s difficult for me to memorize this kind of material, psychologist X had theory Y, so according to him, a person age Z would be experiencing what developmental issues?  And there’s like a dozen psychologists.  Well, no, it’s more like six or seven.  But still.  And  I was up studying until 11:30 last night, and then I wrote some fanfiction to unwind, so I got to sleep at maybe 12:30 am, and trust me, simulation lab was the last thing on my mind.  I’ve added reminders on my calendar to set my alarm for sim labs and clinicals.  I pray to God that’s enough!


I love being a CNA, Certified Nurse Assistant.  I help people with Activities of Daily Living, getting up in the morning, bathing, dressing, eating, walking, toileting, shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc.  I could’ve done that for the rest of my working life until retirement, but it doesn’t pay enough money to live on, and I’m sick of struggling and living in poverty with nothing but the barest of bare necessities.

SO, I have begun my journey to becoming a Registered Nurse.  I took all the prerequisite classes, fought the student loan battle and won, and now I’m in Nursing School.  Yea!

Now let me start complaining about Nursing School.  Today is Sunday.  Tomorrow I have a simulation lab, Tuesday I have a test over seven chapters in the textbook, Wednesday I have a day-long clinical.

I have never bonded so closely so quickly with a group as I have with my sister nursing students.